When I became saved I decided that I wouldn’t kiss my husband until my wedding day.Personally, I was Christ’s bride and therefore kissing my husband was a privilege kept only for marriage when God handed me over. When I met my potential life partner I was so deeply in love with God that I even asked him to cease all communication with me for 7 months so that I could concentrate on Jesus and deepen in my intimacy with Him. After 5 months we felt it was sufficient to speak again and pursue a pure and Godly courtship,
so we thought.
The problem was that because of how we had prioritised God whilst we were single, our flesh now prided itself on the idea that we were now invincible from falling. We convinced ourselves that we were so intimate with God that nothing could trip us up or make us stumble, thus our dangerous quest down a road of sin began as we placed our confidence in our flesh rather than in the Lord. Holding hands with risk we made footprints of regret as we continuously positioned ourselves in foolish circumstances. My partner came to visit me and stay with me whilst at university; we decided that we were firm enough in our identities to sleep in the same bed.
As we expected morning came and nothing happened, pride increased as we delighted in the fact we could sleep side by side and not slip into sexual temptation. “Most people couldn’t do that” we said to each other laughing over breakfast ignoring the God’s voice that warns: pride comes before a fall.(prov 16:18) The following night came and we convinced ourselves that due to the night before spooning was neither sin nor a trap that would lead us into sexual immorality. Despite the fact his manhood was pressing against my body during this “innocent” cuddle we gave ourselves over to the seductive arms of lust and began to struggle as it slowly choked us. As my boyfriend’s arms wrapped around me, my mind trespassed into lustful territories and my body naturally reacted to the many imaginations I thought of that clouded my judgement and quenched the Holy Spirit’s voice who sorrowfully grieved for us. I took comfort in my boyfriend’s touch that was leading me into darkness rather than the Comforter; the Holy Spirit who was fighting to lead me back to the light.
My mind had opened a door for carnality to have licence to reign supreme and as my lustful thoughts began burning within me I drowned out the light that the Holy Spirit was trying to lead me back home with. By this point my flesh had stifled out the voice of the Holy Spirit and had begun masquerading itself as my Comforter. “Don’t worry, you’re fine,” it said “It’s not like you’re kissing.” By the morning we had gone from living as sons of God to behaving like slaves to our bodies. What are we doing? How did we get here? But at the end of the day, we knew. We had placed our confidence in our flesh, we had prided ourselves on a foundation of countless hours of prayer and study of the Bible whilst single that we had deceived ourselves into thinking that we could dance all night-long with sin and not collapse. By morning his head was nustled into my chest and my legs were shamelessly wrapped around him whilst we spoke about Jesus, marriage and missionary trips. Sin had become a COMFORTABLE companion in our relationship in less than 24 hours . I’ll tell you this for free: Honey, you can pray in tongues for six hours before you see your partner, study the Bible throughout the night before you see them the next day and even worship till you have an open vision of heaven and see yourself getting down with the angels, but if you place yourself in foolish situations, don’t blame the devil when you get burnt, blame yourself for being so stupid.
Blunt. But the truth cuts.
We looked to God to help us but quite frankly we had enjoyed every moment of it and despite confessing our sin with our lips, our hearts were very much far from Him. “Besides we hadn’t kissed! Phew.” Thus our path down the destructive lane of lust continued as we wilfully explored new territories. We continued to sleep in the same bed when we visited each other’s university homes which would result in us exploring each other’s bodies and feeling pitifully awful afterwards. Hugs turned into sensual embraces, which escalated into topless back rubs and passionate kisses on the neck. Completely inappropriate. Lust plagued our relationship as well as the growth that God had cultivated within us. Boundaries would dissolve as we stared seductively into each other’s eyes and then grant each other lee way to touch each other inappropriately. We were being imprisoned by our carnal desires; we pushed God off of the throne of our hearts as we worshipped each other through idolising each other’s’ bodies.
As we hardened our hearts to God’s Word that instructed us to flee sexual immorality, we indulged in the passing pleasure of sin and stamped the blood of Jesus underfoot, trampled on the cross and veiled ourselves from Him in shame. Warning after warning, Jesus grieved for us in His heart desiring for us to recognise that He died for us to be sons rather than slaves to our bodies. Fall after fall our relationship became a thorn in our flesh. My motivation to read the bible and pray diminished and late night conversations on Skype that were once used for bible study and prayer became a playground for enemy to lead us into exchanges of lustful ‘I want you’s’, seductive conversation, lip biting and cleavage. I began to have torturous nightmares and horrific dreams. I had given the enemy keys to come in and torment me. We would sigh and say “Oh it’s just because I just love you so much” but in fact we didn’t love each other at all. Love is selfless, love is patient. If I loved him I would have ensured to honour his relationship with God rather than selfishly pulling him further away from Jesus. I would have patiently waited until our wedding to be the slightest bit intimate. Likewise, if he really loved me he would have strived to present me as blameless without wrinkle or blemish before the Lord rather than allowing his selfish fleshly desires to pull us back into enemy’s clasp.
I remember talking to God and saying “Holy Spirit strengthen me I’m sorry” and the Holy Spirit replied, “no you’re not.” Stunned I muttered back “Yes. I am! Can’t you see I’m CRYING!” God softly responded “My Word says: For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death”(2 Corinthians 7:10.) I realised that I had been crying over my situation and birthed absolutely no fruits of repentance. The only thing I had birthed quite frankly was more sin as I ran back and submerged myself in the same vomit I had cried for God to help me out of the last time. I hadn’t really repented, NOTHING in my life showed fruits of what I had said sorry for. I had thought I had repented but the word repentance in the original Greek’s translation of the Bible is defined as “metanoia” which means to change your mind, to go to every extent in order to prevent the continuation of sin. As for myself, I had just cried, sighed and whined over it.
God radically intervened after that encounter and gently carried us out of our mess. From that day He has continued to strengthen us as we walk in purity before Him in our relationship seeking to help anyone who needs dragging out from similar situations. During that dark month of the early season of our relationship, we learnt a lot about ourselves, we learned that it is immature to not be humble, we learned it to be foolishness to not trust in God by relying on the flesh, and we learned to take God’s Word seriously; He says “flee” from lust for a reason. God taught us to never esteem ourselves higher than ANYONE or judge a soul and most of all we learned how to truly appreciate GRACE.
1 Corinthians 10:12 says: So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! I pray you learn from this too. I don’t care if you are the most zealous Christian whilst single, I don’t give a yawn if you can’t ever imagine yourself falling like this; that proves your mind is in the wrong place already. Count it ALL grace and lean on God rather than yourself in order to avoid stumbling blocks whilst in a courtship. Get accountability and fill the time with your partner with your first love Jesus Christ by spending time with your “beloved”,”boo” or “bae” in the Word, saturating yourselves in worship and deepening in intimacy through prayer, go on a walk, do fun things outdoors and group activities it’s beautiful. My boyfriend and I don’t visit each other unless a third party is home and we rarely allow ourselves to be alone in a room together unless we are praying. If we find ourselves ever getting too comfortable with our hugging we are quick to obediently respond to the Holy Spirit and apply more wisdom.
Often we may go out on dates and share the Gospel in the streets, sometimes I cook him dinner or we go and get dessert together. We pray together and feel the anointing of the Holy Ghost drop in the room and see the atmosphere become glorious. We strive to read the Word and study together despite our busy schedules and ensure that we are pursuing an intimate relationship with God as individuals. This is key. If you don’t know Him for yourself, you’ll never love Him enough to obey Him.
I confess my heart to you and I’m so grateful for what God has taught us. Now I can now relate and help others. I am not ashamed; I am humbled and reminded of the glorious love of Jesus Christ. Lust is not something to entertain, nor to believe that you are exempt from. You cannot afford to compromise your body or mind for anyone. If you are in a relationship with an unbeliever or someone who doesn’t stand for sexual purity, you will find yourself giving yourself away continuously and eventually becoming dead in your sin where the Holy Spirit is quenched so much that there is no longer any conviction. It was by grace alone that I didn’t sleep with my partner and we still haven’t kissed to date. The wait is worth it.
My prayer for you: Lord I pray that this will not simply leave hearts convicted but shall push us into a deeper pursuit of Your righteousness. I pray for a contrite heart within your saints, true repentance; a change of mind that clings to good and abhors the evil of sin. I break condemnation in Your mighty name and pray that Your children understand that Your hand is never too short to save them from their sin. Transform us Lord, clear our minds and release all mental and physical bondage of lust in Jesus name.
Your turn: Lord Jesus search my heart, help me to pursue Your righteousness and cleave to You my husband (Isaiah 54:5) with all my heart. Forgive me for any sexual sin that I have entertained and indulged in whether mental or physical. Let me never quench your Holy Spirit with my carnal flesh. Bring clarity and light into my heart to purge any darkness the enemy has wilfully brought in through my sin. You died to present me blameless before the Father and for sin to have no more power over my mortal body. Wash me with Your Word and love Holy Spirit removing any condemnation. My past has no authority over my present state in Jesus name! I am forgiven
The Hush Series: Secrets of a Christian Heart Disclosed
This blog post is part of a new transparency series of blogs that I am launching, disclosing the sin throughout my walk with Jesus. Many people keep their flaws “hush hush” once in Christ, but I desire for Christians to understand the power in transparency, that I’m not perfect and how grateful I am for grace!
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